What They Need Isn’t Perfect. It’s You.
How to be with someone who’s grieving—without disappearing, fixing, or making it about you.
Grief makes people uncomfortable. Even the most well-meaning people feel frozen around it. They want to do or say something helpful, but the right words never seem to come. So instead of leaning in, they hesitate. They pull away. They send one thoughtful message and assume that’s enough. They let the awkwardness win.
And if you’re reading this, it probably means you don’t want to be that person. You want to show up. You just don’t want to do it wrong.
Here’s the good news: showing up well doesn’t require perfection. You don’t need to say the magical thing that will make it all better, because nothing will. But you can be the kind of person who offers presence, consistency, and care that doesn’t come with pressure.
This isn’t a script. It’s a gentle guide for walking beside someone when the ground has dropped out from beneath them.
Show Up Anyway
You won’t have the perfect words. That’s not what matters.
What grieving people remember most is not the eloquence of your comfort, it’s your consistency. It’s that you were there. That you didn’t vanish when things got heavy. That you showed up without needing to be asked.
You can say something as simple as:
“I’ve been thinking of you.”
“No need to respond, I just wanted you to know I care.”
“I’m here when you need someone. Or even when you don’t.”
Keep showing up. Text on a random Tuesday. Reach out on the one-month mark, the six-month mark, the first birthday without them. By then, most people have gone quiet. Don’t be most people.
What Actually Helps
You don’t need profound wisdom to support someone in grief. What matters is honesty, presence, and softness. Just be real with them.
Try saying:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
“You don’t have to be strong for me.”
“This is so hard, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“What do you miss most about them?”
“It’s okay if you cry. It’s okay if you don’t.”
Let them feel what they feel. Let the silence stretch out a bit if that’s what they need.
You’re not there to fill space, you’re there to make room.
Please Don’t Make It About You
This one’s tricky because it usually comes from a place of genuine care. But if you’re not careful, your comfort can quietly shift the focus away from the person grieving and place it on your own feelings.
Statements like:
“I feel so bad for you.”
“My heart is absolutely breaking for you.”
“I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
“This has been really hard for me, too.”
“It’s just been so sad watching you go through this.”
They might sound empathetic, but they subtly ask the grieving person to hold your emotional response along with their own. And that’s a burden no one grieving should have to carry.
You can care deeply and still stay grounded. You can hurt for them and not hand them your hurt. Grief is heavy enough without adding guilt or emotional caretaking to the mix.
If you feel overwhelmed, that’s human. Just process it somewhere else, with your therapist, your journal, or a trusted friend. Not with the person in the thick of the loss.
What Not to Say (Even If You Mean Well)
Let’s retire the usual platitudes. They rarely help, and they often land like a slap.
Avoid things like:
“They’re in a better place.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Stay strong.”
“You’re handling this so well.”
“God needed another angel.”
Why? Because these phrases bypass pain. They minimize loss. They subtly suggest the grieving person should be okay, or grateful, or “doing better” than they are. And often, they come from the speaker’s discomfort, not the mourner’s need.
If you’re not sure what to say, just tell the truth.
“I don’t have the right words. But I care deeply and I’m here.”
That will always land better than something scripted.
Don’t Try to Cheer Them Up
Grief isn’t something to fix. It’s not a problem to be solved.
It’s something to be witnessed.
When you try to lift someone’s spirits too soon, it can feel like you’re rushing them. Like their pain is too messy for you. Like they need to manage your discomfort.
Instead, let sadness have its place. Let rage. Let numbness.
Try this instead:
“I’m okay sitting with you in this.”
“You don’t have to pretend with me.”
“Whatever you’re feeling right now—it makes sense.”
That’s what it looks like to hold space. Not cheerleading. Not positivity. Just being with them exactly where they are.
If this post made you exhale a little, stay with me.
I write weekly about grief, love, and how to be human when things fall apart.
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Offer the Kind of Help They Don’t Have to Ask For
“Let me know if you need anything” might feel generous. But for someone in grief, that sentence can feel like another to-do.
Grievers often don’t know what they need. Or they feel too exhausted to ask.
So take the lead. Be specific. Offer something they don’t have to coordinate.
Drop off a meal or snacks without expecting conversation.
Send a gift card with no note required.
Offer to take the kids or walk the dog.
Fold laundry while they nap.
Text: “I’m heading to the store, what can I grab for you?”
Better yet, if you’re close and know what they love, just pick those things up and drop them by the door. Then text them letting them know you left some goodies by their front door.
Show up on birthdays, death anniversaries, and holidays with a simple: “I know this day is probably hard. I’m thinking of you.”
Don’t wait for the ask. Just show up gently and practically.
Let Them Talk About the Person Who Died
One of the worst parts of grief is when people stop saying their name.
It can feel like the world is moving on, and you’re left holding a silence no one wants to break.
Don’t be afraid to bring them up. It won’t “remind” your friend of their loss. They’re already thinking about it. All the time. What you’re really reminding them of is this: you don’t have to grieve alone.
Say:
“What’s one of your favorite memories of them?”
“What would they have thought about this?”
“Tell me about something they loved.”
You don’t need to fix the ache. Just make space for it.
Accept That You Can’t Fix This
You can’t undo the loss. You can’t take away the pain. And you don’t need to.
What you can do is witness it. Be the steady voice that says,
“I’m not afraid of your sadness.”
“I won’t leave just because you’re not okay.”
That kind of presence, quiet, consistent, unafraid, is one of the most healing gifts you can give.
If You Mess Up, Repair
You will get it wrong sometimes. That’s okay. Grief is messy. Human relationships are messy. What matters is that you notice and you make it right.
If you feel someone pull away, or you realize you said something that stung, try this:
“I think I may have said something that didn’t land well. I’m sorry. I really care about you, and I want to show up better.”
Grief doesn’t need perfection. It needs presence, repair, and a willingness to keep showing up.
Before You Go, A Reflection
Think about someone in your life who has been touched by grief. Not just the early days, but the long, quiet middle.
Have you reached out lately? Is there something you’ve wanted to say but haven’t?
Maybe this is the nudge to send a text. To speak their name. To show up again, even if it’s been a while.
Know someone who’s trying to support someone in grief? Share this with them. Not everyone gets it, but maybe this post helps someone get a little closer.
Final Thoughts
Supporting someone who’s grieving means sitting with discomfort.
It means staying present even when you feel helpless.
It means loving them without needing to fix anything.
And if you can do that, if you can simply stay, you become part of the thread holding them together.
They may not remember exactly what you said. But they’ll never forget that you didn’t look away.
You showed up when it mattered. You kept showing up.
You didn’t try to fix the pain or sidestep the hard parts.
You just let it be what it was: love that hurts. And hurts because it mattered.
That kind of care is sacred. And it’s rare.
So if you’re someone who offers it, thank you.
The world needs more of you.
Love today,
Heather 🌸